She talks dirty in her sleep: Agony aunt answers your questions
OUR agony aunt gets to the heart of your relationship problems.
Jibes about my looks have cut to the quick
Q: I know I’m no supermodel, but my partner completely humiliated me at a friend’s party recently. We were talking about beauty and my chap piped up that he loves me because of my imperfections – my “snaggle” teeth, my small breasts and my big nose.
He added that he even finds my (occasional) adult acne “cute”. Now I simply can’t get past this. He says he loves me for myself; for my personality, my sexuality and my strength. But I’m completely paranoid. I know our friends will be laughing about us behind our backs.
A: I can understand why you’re upset. In his clumsy way, your partner attempted to praise your uniqueness but ended up hurting your feelings. As individuals, we’re more than aware of our faults and certainly don’t like them aired in public, no matter how well-meaning your chap felt he was being.
But now you have to get over this and move on. So what if your friends are laughing? Are you seriously telling me that every single one of them is practically perfect in every way and that you’ve never laughed about any of them? By the sounds of it, your partner isn’t a cruel or nasty man. He didn’t say those silly things deliberately in order to humiliate you, so explain to him where he went wrong and ask him never to do the same again.
She holds all the purse strings
Q: I don’t feel I have any control over the money I earn. My wife and I have a joint account but I have no way of accessing cash. Each week she gives me an allowance for my lunches and petrol and she pays for everything else. Admittedly, we now have a very healthy balance, but friends laugh when I have no spare cash for betting or a pint. How do
I tackle this without a row?
A: If you and your wife have struggled with financial problems in the past, maybe that explains her caution now? You have to remember that you and she are equal partners and if the current arrangement isn’t working for you, then you’re entitled to go back to the drawing board for a rethink.
Make it clear that you’re not planning to go crazy but do need additional funds for the sake of your independence and your pride. Ultimately, there’s nothing stopping you from going to your bank for a debit card of your own.
We can’t keep up with their lavish life
Q: My brother and his wife have become so grand it’s almost impossible for us to mix with them any more. We used to go on holiday together and have nights out, but now he’s so rich and she’s so image conscious that we dread an invitation to go out because we simply can’t afford to go 50-50 on the big bills. Now they only seem interested in the trendiest places and, as a result, I hardly see him, which is heartbreaking as he’s the only living relative I’ve got.
A: Tell your brother the absolute truth. Say you miss spending time with him and that you don’t expect them to pay, but you simply can’t keep up with the trendy haunts he and his wife prefer. What’s wrong with a home-cooked Sunday lunch?
Could you compromise with a meal at your house or a cup of tea in a local beauty spot? Make it clear that you’re not prepared to let him slip through your fingers.
Sex matters
Q: I’m beginning to dread bedtime. The problem is that my girlfriend talks dirty in her sleep, especially after she’s had a lot to drink. In real life she’s gentle and mild-mannered, but her sub-conscious self is extremely raunchy and rude.
She babbles on about famous people, male colleagues and ex-partners and I feel insulted. She has never talked dirty to me and now our sex life is less active. She says she can’t help herself, but what am I supposed to think? All I want is normality.
A: You mention alcohol playing its role in this problem. Can your girlfriend be encouraged to cut down on her drinking – or even stop altogether – until you’re back on an even keel? Talk to her away from the bedroom. She may be as sexually frustrated as you are and her dissatisfaction is coming out in her sleep talk.
Ask if you can start again. Tell her you’re missing the intimacy, too, and suggest some early nights. Try and introduce romance and role playing in order to break down embarrassment or any emotional barriers.