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From Oscar to Rear (end) of the Year - Matt Dunn dishes out the irreverent Express awards
WITH the stipulation that all recipients accept their awards with the same Dutch courage Louis Van Gaal showed at the Manchester United player of the year event, Matthew Dunn reveals the winners of the Express Sport awards for the 2014-15 season.
The Daily Express Awards are handed out to the most notorious men of the season
BALLOON D’OH
Joint winners – Raheem Sterling and Jack Grealish for their latex/laughing gas balloon-acy.
MASTERMIND OF THE YEAR
Gareth Bale. Won on countback by virtue of him having made the fewest passes.
THE OSCAR
For playacting this year ironically goes to his team-mate Eden Hazard.
PULISER PRIZE
Everybody thought what he did at Crystal Palace could not be surpassed – after all, it was classic Tony Pulis. But if anything, this season Alan Pardew has been Pulis-er.
UK: Chelsea celebrate Premier League title through West London's streets
MOAN-AGER OF THE MONTH
Aug: Jose Mourinho – “Why am I under pressure? Some managers have 10 years to win something, I have two.”
Sep: Mourinho – “The moment a national team wants to select a Chelsea player, I’m nobody.”
Oct: Mourinho – “I’m not surprised [Wenger was not charged for his shove on Mourinho]. Charged? For me...a stadium ban.”
Nov: Mourinho – “It is difficult to play at home because playing here is like playing in an empty stadium.”
Dec: Mourinho – “There is a campaign against Chelsea.”
Jan: Mourinho – “There is a campaign by a certain pundit [Jamie Redknapp] who is always talking about Diego Costa’s crimes.”
Feb: Mourinho – “Minutes 30, 33, 43 and 69. Don’t ask me more questions.”
Mar: Mourinho – “He is clearly a frustrated man,” after Graeme Souness criticised Chelsea behaviour.
Apr: Mourinho – “I think boring is 10 years without a title.”
May: Mourinho – “I would like to know the people in the panel,” after failing to win the actual Manager of the Month all season.
NO BELL AWARD
With chairmen drawing up managerial shortlists left, right and centre, nobody seems to be giving Alan Curbishley a call any more.
Jose Mourinho deservedly picked up an array of moan-ager of the month awards
GOOD HOUSEKEEPING GOODBYE AWARD
Shortlist: Steven Gerrard on the occasion of him announcing his retirement in January; Steven Gerrard on his last game against Chelsea; Steven Gerrard on his final game at Anfield; and Steven Gerrard on his “really this is actually the last ever game he’ll play for Liverpool”. And the winner? Prize withheld amid concerns he may come back after the MLS season is over.
REAR OF THE YEAR
Mike Ashley. Who else could it be? Just ask Newcastle fans, who would go as far as to say he is the complete rear-end.
VICTORIA CROSS
Wayne Rooney, who somehow finished 20 places higher than David Beckham in GQ’s Best Dressed Men of 2015.
PIPESMOKER OF THE YEAR
Jack Wilshere. Crafty fags in the shower, Wojciech Szczesny? Come on, fella, the clue’s in the title. Shisha!
Steven Gerrard ended his Liverpool career with a crushing defeat at Stoke last weekend
MICHELIN STAR
Paul Scholes, who hid away from the limelight as a player and refused to do interviews, but cannot get enough of it now he’s re-tyred.
X FACTOR
Or rather P-Factor is awarded to Messrs Pardew, Parkinson, Pochettino and Pulis, the only managers to beat Chelsea this season.
MISS EUROPE
For an 18th year Arsenal are ineligible – even though Europe never really misses them as soon as it gets to the knockout stages. So let’s give it to Manchester United, who are back after an absence of a year.
BOOKER PRIZE
To Kevin “not much of a” Friend, who produced an average of 4.34 yellow cards a game, more than any of his peers.
TURNER PRIZE
Could go to Nigel Pearson for “turning round” Leicester’s season. Instead, though, it goes to him for “turning” completely unnecessarily on an innocent journalist and asking him if he was an ostrich.
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