My abusive daughter is bleeding me dry: Agony aunt answers your questions
OUR agony aunt gets to the heart of your relationship problems.
My abusive daughter is bleeding me dry
Q: My daughter becomes verbally abusive and violent if I don’t give her what she wants and is bullying me to withdraw all my savings to clear her debts. When I say no, she threatens to have me “put away” or get me sectioned under the Mental Health Act. I’m demoralised and scared, and I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this.
She’s 43 and has been married and divorced twice. I warned her off both men, saying they were untrustworthy, but she didn’t listen and ended up with nothing. She even gave the second loser their flat.
Her two daughters (from her first marriage) are now 14 and 16, and they’re thoroughly spoilt and nasty. Neither speaks to me with any respect and the youngest scares me nearly as much as her mother does.
I’m retired, yet I’ve always given my daughter my money, energy and time. I bought the property she’s living in by selling the old family home and I’ve paid for every car and holiday she’s ever had. She’s never said thank you – claiming that everything is her right.
Over the past six months, as she’s become more and more desperate for my money, she’s called me everything from selfish and mean to mad. She’s kicked me, pushed me around and smashed some of my most treasured things.
But when I say she’s a bully, she screams that I imagine things. I don’t and the bruises on my ankles prove it. I don’t know what to do. Who can I speak to without causing a fuss?
A: Tragically, this horrible situation has gone beyond keeping it in the family. You have to cause a fuss before you go under.
This abuse has to be reported because your daughter is out of control. Clearly she’s a very desperate woman. You don’t say how big her debts are but obviously they’re enough to drive her to drastic measures. Demanding the last of your savings is both audacious and irresponsible.
The fact is that nothing gives her the right to turn on you either verbally or physically. I don’t care how desperate she is – she crosses a line every time she lashes out. Please don’t let your pride – or any misplaced sense of loyalty – prevent you from speaking to the police and exposing her. I don’t mean to be melodramatic, but what might she do next? Will the next push have you hurtling to the floor and a broken hip – or worse?
I implore you to ignore her empty threats about having you sectioned because she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, but do speak to your GP about the stress you’re under. Is there a trusted friend or other family member who would support you in reporting these crimes to the authorities?
Maybe your daughter is frightened, but she’s an adult now and I’m afraid that exposing her may be the only way to stop her from ruining the remaining precious years of your life.Contact Age UK (0800 678 1174, ageuk.org.uk) regarding the matter of elder abuse because
I can assure you – sadly – that your situation and experiences are far from unique.
Sex matters
Q: My sexual partner and I sleep together at least five times a month, but he won’t agree to a full-time relationship and says I’m “not his type”.
He claims he likes a certain kind of woman – tall, dark and intellectual – and I’m not her. He’s told me I’m free to walk away any time I like, which I find very cruel and cold. How can he be like this when we have such a lovely time when we’re together?
A: As harsh and inflexible as this man is, you can’t deny he’s always been honest. Sadly, he’s just not interested in making you his life partner. He’s more than happy to have sex with you but you’re nothing more to him than a stopgap. I urge you to end this in order to reclaim your confidence and your life. When you’re ready, start looking for someone who appreciates your uniqueness. At the moment, I fear you’re frozen and have lost sight of who you are.