Our Royal Navy is in tatters – and I've found the real reason nobody's talking about

I may be in breach of the Official Secrets Act, but what the heck. Free speech and all that. I think I might have discovered why the Royal Navy currently only has a couple of kayaks and one lightly armoured Jet Ski fit for service. It’s because the maintenance and repair contract for His Majesty’s ships had been outsourced to the same outfit that’s meant to be fixing Hammersmith Bridge. It’s the only possible answer – the parallels are unmistakable.

Hammersmith Bridge was closed to traffic in 2019. Strengthening work was needed. Not knocking the thing down and building a new one. Just making the old bridge a bit stronger. Seven years on, and it’s still only safe for people under 12 stone with small dogs to cross. It’s not expected to reopen to cars and vans and buses and lorries until somewhere north of 2033.

A decade and a half to mend a slightly dodgy London bridge. So it’s obvious the Right Said Fred bunch (Bernard Cribbins’s hopeless lot, not the band) must have landed themselves the Navy contract. Look at the facts. We have seven frigates, but only two are seaworthy. The other five are “in maintenance” or languishing with “persistent defects”.

We have six destroyers, too. But only one – just ONE – was anywhere near ready for action when the you-know-what hit the fan.

And it wasn’t until as late as this Tuesday that HMS Dragon finally limped off towards Cyprus to protect UK interests there against Iran or Tehran’s dwindling band of proxies.

There’s our flagship aircraft carrier, The Prince of Wales, of course. That’s all set for its sailing orders to the Middle East. Well, sort of. Cap’n Kier hinted this week that despite the carrier being in an “advanced state of readiness” it may not sail anywhere too dangerous any time soon.

Why? Well, he didn’t really say, but the reason is blindingly obvious. Carriers need escorts. They’re priceless assets, and to lose one would be a catastrophe. So they require a flotilla of outriders to take down drones, ballistic missiles, torpedoes and other sundry incoming ironmongery. And we don’t have enough ships to do that.

In fact, the situation is so dire that there’s serious talk of asking the French to provide HMS Prince of Wales with its escort. They could do it, too – despite having just dispatched eight frigates, two amphibious helicopter carriers, and their own flagship Charles de Gaulle aircraft carrier to the Middle East.

Oh, and they’re generously minding the back door to Cyprus for us as well, until we eventually get there. But they nevertheless have warships a’plenty to kindly offer a crutch to their feeble, all-but-useless ally across the Channel.

What was that about cheese-eating surrender monkeys? The French have a navy worthy of the name and they’re not afraid to use it. Meanwhile, Operation Hammersmith Bridge defines Right Said Fred ineptitude. The war with Iran will likely be over by the time we can get even a token naval force to the region to protect our assets and our people.

France, Greece and Spain already have ships headed there. Let THEM do it, eh? Where is our Drake for today? Probably stuck in traffic on the wrong side of Hammersmith Bridge.