My IVF story: ‘I never gave up on my dream of becoming a mum’
WHEN people would flippantly tell a then 39-year-old Diane Chandler that she had better start trying for a baby soon if she ever wanted to have children, they had no idea how much it upset her.
From the age of 36 Diane had been trying for a child with husband Nick, both naturally and with the help of IVF, but with little success.
“Nick and I didn’t really discuss our struggle to conceive with anyone, so not that many people knew we were trying,” says Diane, an author from Chiswick, west London. “If someone commented that I needed to get a move on or asked if I didn’t want children, it was really hard to hear.
“Nick and I didn’t meet until we were in our mid-30s so always knew having children might be a struggle. However, we never envisaged we’d have to undergo seven cycles of IVF.”
After meeting in a bar in London’s Covent Garden, Diane and Nick moved on very quickly with their relationship.
“We got chatting in a pub and instantly felt like we’d known each other for a long time,” says Diane, now 53. “We had similar interests, were both in our mid-30s and knew that we wanted to give it a go.”
They tied the knot just 18 months later. Knowing they wanted children and conscious of their age, they started trying for a baby a few months before walking down the aisle.
“We we both aware that we might have difficulty conceiving due to our age,” says Diane. After two years of trying with no success, her fears were confirmed. “We both underwent fertility testing but the results came back inconclusive. When IVF was recommended we didn’t hesitate. I was conscious that I was getting older and that your chances of having a baby after 38 can diminish rapidly.”
As Diane was working in oversees aid at the time, she gave up her job and the couple started their first round of IVF in the summer of 2001.
“I had to inject myself with hormones every day for a few weeks, which wasn’t a very pleasant experience,” she says.
Under general anaesthetic Diane’s eggs were then harvested and fertilised before the best three embryos were transferred into her womb. ALL that was left to do was start what doctors refer to as the two-week wait.
“That was very emotionally distressing because you feel so helpless. All you can do is sit there willing it to work,” she says. “I was so highly tuned to my body during those two weeks. Sometimes I experienced cramps and other times I felt pregnant. Every niggle was a sign and I second-guessed them all. It was all-consuming.”
Unable to wait for her next visit to the clinic Diane bought three home pregnancy tests. “Seeing that positive blue line appear is a moment I’ll never forget,” she says. “We were finally getting our baby.”
The next hurdle came two weeks later when doctors checked for a foetal heartbeat. “The cruellest words in the world of IVF are, ‘Sorry, there’s no heartbeat’,” says Diane, who was, sadly, on the receiving end of them that day.
“We were distraught because we hadn’t expected it. We thought we were going to have a baby. Going through IVF leaves you in a state of anguish and then when you think you’ve finally got there only to discover you haven’t, is crushing.”
Over the next seven months Diane underwent two more cycles of IVF in November 2001 and February 2002 but both were unsuccessful. “It was a really challenging time for both Nick and I,” she says. “While the physical burden was difficult for me, we both struggled emotionally.
“Nick was on the sidelines watching me injecting myself and going under general anaesthetic and wishing he could help.
“He was yearning for a baby just as much as I was but he couldn’t do anything about it. He was helpless.
“At the same time all our friends seemed to be getting pregnant. I remember someone telling me they were pregnant while I was still trying. I should have been happy but there was an element of, ‘You’ve got there and I haven’t’.”
While some couples can become distant with each other or start to play the blame game, the experience made Diane and Nick, now 54, stronger than ever.
“The stress can cause a relationship to unravel but we spoke about everything and shared the sadness, which helped us to bond even more,” says Diane. “We hardly ever spoke to friends about it. I told a few close friends but it’s very difficult for people to understand. Plus they were apprehensive about asking about it because it’s such a sensitive subject.”
By the time Diane started the next round of IVF in July 2002 she admits she was desperate for it to work but wasn’t feeling very optimistic.
“Starting the fourth cycle was a very dark time for us both. I was run ragged emotionally and was expecting it not to work. We were desperate for it to happen but thought it was never going to.”
When she saw the blue line appear on the pregnancy test she didn’t allow herself to get excited and she was right to be cautious. “A week or so later I woke up to find that I was bleeding heavily in bed. I thought it was happening all over again and called the clinic in tears.
“I went in for a scan and when doctors told me there was a healthy heartbeat I was euphoric. In that moment all my anxiety washed away. While I felt very protective throughout the pregnancy I also felt incredibly positive. I rested a lot and took great care of myself. I was also regularly scanned at Queen Charlotte’s Hospital in London, which brought a great deal of comfort.”
Maddie was born on April 3 in 2003, one week after Diane’s 40th birthday. “When I held her for the first time the tears started to fl ow and I knew instantly I would lay down my life for her. Nick and I were so in love with her. She was our little miracle.”
When Maddie, now 13, was just 18 months old Diane and Nick decided to try for a second baby. After falling pregnant on the first cycle, Diane sadly miscarried.
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“All I wanted to do was scoop Maddie up and hold her because it reminded me how precious she was,” says Diane. When the next two cycles were also unsuccessful she decided that her body had had enough.
“When I reached 42 I decided enough was enough. After seven cycles I was drained. I had been blessed with one child and felt incredibly lucky.
“We are one of the lucky ones. Imagine going through what we went through and never getting your baby. I feel such a sadness for the people who never get there.
“Now Maddie is a teenager she thinks I’m too overprotective but to me she is my miracle and I will never stop worrying about her, as much as she’d like me to.
“I envisage it may cause arguments in the future but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.”
● Diane is supporting National Fertility Awareness Week, which runs from October 31 to November 6. Her novel, Moondance (Blackbird Books, £7.99) is available from the Express Bookshop. Call 01872 562 310 or visit expressbookshop.com