Keir Starmer just tried to save his career - and left us all asking the same question
Starmer rolled his sleeves up and feigned passion yet all he could muster was a whimper.
It was like witnessing a dying animal take its last desperate gasps of breath. Mortally wounded prime minister Sir Keir Starmer’s final stand was billed as an act of passion and defiance.
But what we got was more of the same and, in keeping with his time in charge of the country, he slowly died in front of our eyes with a familiar nasal drone, a sullen mope, and a whimper rather than a bang. Starmer has no passion. He cannot be sincere, because no one knows what he believes in, least of all him, so his opening gambit set the tone.
Last week’s local elections - one of Labour’s worst ever set of results - merely prompted him to explain “how we will do better in the months and years ahead”.
How did they affect him? They were “tough, very tough” and in a depressingly familiar and unmodulated delivery Starmer said he “gets it, he feels it, and takes responsibility”.
But this was not contrition. Nor was it an address to the nation who gave him such a kicking. It was a self-pitying, introspective snivel to the vultures circulating within the Labour Party. A brazen attempt to save his own skin.
Instead of facing up to nationwide rejection all the pitiful prime minister could muster was attack on those the electorate ran into the arms of last week.
Within minutes he attempted to paint a Doomsday scenario in which one of either Nigel Farage or Zack Polanski would be pulling the strings if he - and therefore Labour - was ousted from power.
There was no mention of the Tories, but he name-checked Reform UK and the Greens, saying: “We are not just facing dangerous times but dangerous opponents.
“If we don’t get this right our country will go down a very dark path.
“Just as I take responsibility for results, I take responsibility for delivering the change we promised. I take responsibility for not walking away
“I know I have my doubters and I know I need to prove them wrong and I will.”
Two years into the job and it was a pouty display of petulance: I know best and the rest of you are wrong.
But it won’t wash. The wounds inflicted upon him are fatal. He is hated from Elgin to Eastbourne and every utterance from his mouth carries with it the whiff of death.
Starmer tried to paint a picture of optimism and hope where there is none.
He talked about stabilising the economy when the reality is that it is on life support.
His hypothesis that he is the man to inject confidence is for the birds. There is none - not on the high street, not in the economy, and certainly not at the ballot box.
Britain needs energy, not apathy. Britain needs a plan, not scripted drivel. And Britain wants to feel better off, not the worse for wear after two years of socialist tax grabs.
Starmer said: “We are not only battling Reform and the Greens but battling the despair on which they prey and exploit.
“Analysis matters (but) arguments matter more. Evidence matters but so does emotion - people need hope.”
Indeed they do, prime minister.
The evidence is clear: Labour under Starmer lost almost 1,500 seats, while Reform UK won more than 1,400.
Starmer’s a fraud, a man occupying the highest office in the land but a man who knows not what he stands for and, more importantly, what the country wants.
His idea of passion? Feigning enthusiasm, fervour, and dedication while reading from an autocue.
He can't read the room, but he can read a script.
He won’t resign, that much is clear.
But rather than galvanise Labour his last stand will only hasten his exit as the number who want shot of him grows.
There was no major policy announcement, just a rehash of old ones, and hints at what is to come.
He peppered his waffle with references to “working class” - and even rolled his sleeves up to hammer home the cliche - his family (just for a change) and desire to thrust Britain back into the arms of Brussels and at the heart of Europe.
This was not a reset, a manifesto for change, or the discovery of his inner voice. It was a death warrant.
With his fate at stake, Starmer had the chance to show some zeal, but sounded like he was addressing the annual general meeting of the Federation of Window Cleaners. He was repetitive, highly regulated, and unglamorous. And left us all asking, 'is that it?'
The truth is that after this twaddle the only people with a spring in their step will be Angela Rayer, Andy Burnham, Wes Streeting, and Ed Miliband - one of whom will surely be his successor.
The rest of us have our heads in our hands.
