Sir Keir Stalin returns to the scene of last night's purge as Sunak scarpers from battle

Keir Starmer’s entry into the House of Commons was greeted with an ear-splitting cheer from his most loyal MP comrades today, as they seemed more than usually keen to demonstrate their unwavering loyalty following last night’s brutal purge of the traitors.

Sir Keir sat on the Government benches for his first PMQs, transformed from a meek Leader of the Opposition to Stalin overnight.

The great terror witnessed in the Commons last night had resulted in the Prime Minister’s majority felled from 174 to 160, a sacrifice this steely Generalissimus was willing to make for the greater good.

He may have closed down the Bibby Stockholm, but has wasted no time sending his enemies to Siberia.

Far from the energetic, partisan, Punch-and-Judy clash we in the press gallery were hoping for, instead we got a bizarre saccharine affair in which both Rishi Sunak and Sir Ed Davey bowed and scraped in a desire to press ‘cross-party collaboration’. Or were they merely terrified of Britain’s new take-no-prisoners commissar?

Labour whips stood at the entrance to the Chamber throughout the first weekly Wednesday clash like bodyguards. The great defector Christian Wakeford cast a piercing eye over his troops to ensure no one stopped cheering first.

Not all rebellion had been crushed, however. A very brave Nadhia Whittome (Nottingham East) stood to ask the first Labour question on the not-at-all contentious topic of trans children’s access to hormone-altering drugs.

Her name has now also gone on ze list.

Then came Rishi Sunak’s turn. Would he clash on the economy? On immigration? On early prisoner release?

We swiftly got our answer as Mr Sunak, who we now know will be in the role until November, spent all six questions shying away from any sort of disagreement with Sir Keir, instead pressing the cross-party consensus on Ukraine.

Mr Sunak made more criticism of himself than the Labour leader, starting with a self-deprecating joke about the upcoming Olympic Games.

The Tory leader quipped: “I have no doubt that after training, focus and dedication they’ll bring back many gold medals”.

“Although, to be honest, I’m probably not the first person they want to hear advice from on how to win!”

Cue Labour MPs making mock sounds of ‘aw’ while Mr Sunak smiled bashfully.

No doubt today’s PMQs session gave an insight into how he plans on playing the role of Leader of the Opposition: Uncontroversial, collegiate, the sort of person Gails coffee shop customers can respect.

He seems to be laying the foundations of a very successful centrist dad podcasting career a la Rory Stewart and Alastair Campbell just in case the return to investment banking doesn’t work out.

Nigel Farage, looking on from the opposition backbenches, was no doubt loving the Commons love-in by the three main parties, all of which would merely prove to angry and disillusioned voters that they really are all in a cushty club.

Thankfully for Sir Keir, backbencher Kim Leadbeater was on hand to counter Ms Whittome’s sticky wicket on trans issues. She congratulated the great leader for “such a positive start to his premiership and on resetting the dial on politics as public service”.

It reminded those with good memories of a similar PMQs scene with Tony Blair, when he was asked whether he agreed “that the Budget was magnificent”.

Mr Blair replied: “On balance, I would agree. Some people may not like some old-fashioned sycophancy – but not me”.

Only the SNP’s Stephen Flynn was on hand to put a greater spring in Sir Keir’s step. Rising from the opposition benches with his now derisory pack of 9 MPs, he thanked the Labour leader for “ending Tory rule”.

Even Tory MPs were able to score this open goal, heckling back: “And yours!”

Bring on the next Tory leader - we desperately need an end to this Cold War.