‘I’m JoJo, the new No 10 cat – here’s my take on life in Downing Street’

JoJo here, the new Downing Street cat. No, Larry, we will not share our territory. We don’t do coalitions here. The Starmer family brought me here to wield a new broom, make the fresh start the country needs. What’s my policy? Dreamies for everyone! No more of your right-wing magic money trees!

Keir’s a serious sort and I feel the same way. Good service to the country is very important to me, as it is for Keir, and so I tested the mettle of some of the civil service types littering the place, by leaving a mouse head here, a mouse tail there. Well. Given the screaming that started you’d have thought I’d brought some “Tory scum” into the place.

They’re going to need to be a bit more robust than that when dealing with the whole country’s problems. Give it a week and you can bet they’ll be dreaming of the days when their biggest problem was a bit of mouse mess!

Speaking of “Tory scum”, that gobby redhead woman has been trying to throw her weight about, but Keir seems to have developed a pair of cojones – just a long-ago memory for me, sadly – “We can’t lose the trust of the country this early on, Angela,” he said. “Can’t you take a leaf out of Rachel’s book and try to calm down the voters?” That provoked a lot of hissing and hair-swishing. And they say that we’re the catty ones!

I like the look of the new Foreign Secretary, comes across as appreciating his food dish as much as I do. Bit worrying, though, there’s some older statesman type who’s wandering around as if he owns the place. I overheard Keir trying to get rid of him: “Tony, you know I value your advice, but the country’s not ready for a job-sharing Prime Minister,” he said. “Don’t go on about it Tony, you’re doing my head in. Think of my mental health.”

We cats are very territorial, but I’m keeping a sense of perspective. Larry might have moved here full-time, but I’m not planning on keeping my paws under the table for too long. Look at the last lot: got a stonking majority five years ago and then got blown out of the water. Very fickle, the electorate. Much, in fact, like your average cat…