BAD BABY NAME WARNING: Liam Payne and Cheryl set bad example with Bear
IN THE pubs, offices and shops there was only one thing anyone wanted to know after the pop singer checked-in to the exclusive private hospital to give birth to her first child. She was one half of the planet’s hottest couple. From New York to New Zealand their posters are in pride of place on the bedroom walls of millions of teenagers.
Keith Lemon talks Bear Payne
Ever since the pregnancy was announced every morsel had been devoured by fans desperate for any scrap of information about the golden couple and the heir to their vast fame and fortune.
And now, in London, on a chilly spring day the waiting was finally coming to an end. A one-line statement hastily issued to the world’s media told everyone that the anxious wait was almost over: “It’s imminent” screamed the headlines as the development raced around the world.
A huge Scotland Yard operation swung into action as thousands of well-wishers descended on the hospital in the hope of catching a glimpse of the new member of the world’s hottest family.
Photographers and reporters jostled in front of the imposing hospital front door, on hand to capture and transmit the joyous news of the birth to an expectant public.
Please try to remember that whatever you choose, your offspring has to carry
And before long a blitz of camera flashes heralded a proud, bleary-eyed new father to give the joyous announcement of the new arrival to an expectant world.
“Sir, sir, how are mother and child?,” shouted one reporter from a major newspaper. “Both are wonderful, thanks,” came the reply. “It’s a little boy. He’s great. It’s a great feeling.” A young TV reporter called out: “What’s his name?”
The handsome young star with a string of hit records, hit movies and England caps to his name replied: “Trevor. His middle name is Malcolm.” Then silence.
Needless to say, the above story didn’t happen. For a start, think of a celebrity who would call their child Trevor or Malcolm.
Last week Cheryl, a woman who no longer even has a surname, and her partner, One Direction singer Liam Payne, revealed the name their son will carry for the rest of his life. Did they opt to call him Simon after the music mogul who has helped them both immeasurably in their careers?
Did they follow the lead of Liam’s former bandmate Louis Tomlinson, who called his son Freddie? Or even Oliver, the most popular name of last year?
No, they called him Bear... as in Polar or Grizzly. And his surname is Payne.
So now the little boy faces hearing “can you bear pain?” “grin and bear it” or “bear necessity” as he goes through his formative years.
Bizarrely, Master Payne is not the first child of celebrity to get landed with the “name” Bear.
For some reason, actors Alicia Silverstone and Kate Winslet both saddled their children with this.
David Bowie’s son Zowie wisely reverted to his father’s real surname, became Duncan Jones and is now a successful film director. Will Apple Martin (offspring of now consciously uncoupled Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin) and North West, the son of rapper Kanye West and reality star Kim Kardashian, do the same?
But perhaps the biggest problem emerges when the wacky world of stars’ names seeps through to everyday life.
Fortunately the most popular names last year were Olivia for girls and Oliver for boys. There were also plenty of Charlies, Harrys, Sophias and Amelias.
But scratch the surface and the weird names emerge. Last year in Britain at least one family decided to name their daughter Envy. Why? OK, it may be a Gucci perfume but would you really call your daughter Jealousy? They have similar meanings.
A clearly musical family plumped for the name Rhapsody while one little girl has been given the name Sloane. The only person I can think of actually called Sloane was Ferris Bueller’s girlfriend in the 1980s Bratpack film. Not exactly someone you would pick for inspiration.
Then the boys. One family chose Fire as a name for their son while, perhaps due to the influence of Brooklyn Beckham, we saw a Rome and a Darwin. You never hear of a child being called Baldock or Ramsbottom, do you?
One young boy is called Pepper – which I thought was the name of a condiment or a dog – and then there’s my personal favourite, Rhino. Maybe the parents are huge fans of endangered species or even hit 1990s TV show Gladiators. Either way it is a truly bizarre name for a child. How will that work when he is older?
Names go in and out of fashion but all of those lucky enough to get the chance to be parents should remember – a name is for life not just for Christmas.
Please try to remember that whatever you choose, your offspring has to carry.
It is tough being a child in the modern world. Try not to make it any harder.