Vanessa Feltz: Not surprised new mums sleep badly
KNOW perfectly well that this has to be an equal opportunities column.
It's not a surprise new mums sleep quite badly
Usually I’m all in favour of abandoning sexual stereotypes.
I couldn’t, however, suppress a quiver of satisfaction at the study from Georgia Southern University confirming what, let’s face it, any woman has known all along: mums suffer far more severely than dads from interrupted sleep after having children.
I swear I used to wake up before my babies even uttered that first dream-piercing howl.
I’m certain their mere intake of breath jolted me from slumber, though no noise had yet been made.
I’m talking about the pre-baby monitor era when new parents were at least spared every last sniff and snuffle.
All I know is I waddled into the maternity ward a first-class, grade-A sleeper, known for my splendid siestas and ability to remain dead to the world for upwards of 10 hours without even wrinkling the duvet.
I came out, babe in arms, a light and superficial dipper into the world of slumber.
Gentle Reader, you will know I understate the case when I tell you my offspring are now 30 and 27 and I haven’t had eight hours of blissful oblivion since 1986.
Mums suffer far more severely than dads from interrupted sleep after having children
Mothers are programmed to ping wide awake at the flutter of an eyelash.
We may close our eyes occasionally but we remain on a knife-edge.
The strange thing of course is that no matter how ancient our babies become, or where in the universe they roam, we never regain our facility for a solid night’s shut-eye.
Even when our children have moved on to homes of their own and are being woken up every seven minutes till the dawn chorus by their own babies, we still remain – though we’re not sure why – on red alert, ears peeled, ready to spring into action and save the day.
My then husband, on the other hand, was able to snore contentedly through his infant’s squeals, yelps and fully-fledged colic.
At first I thought he must be faking it. How on earth could he fail to be rattled, roused and finally shocked into wakefulness by the full-throttled yowl of the flesh of his flesh?
After consultation with my peers I learned his blissful sleep was not feigned but entirely genuine.
He simply didn’t register the cries.
His dreams were undisturbed. None of their husbands or partners seemed to hear the nocturnal turbulence either.
Now it’s all spelled out in black and white.
Mums discuss how childbirth changes your body
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Grateful Holly has both charm and success
I've yet to meet anyone in or out of show business who doesn’t like Holly Willoughby.
Like her pal Fearne Cotton, Holly’s a thoroughly good egg with a pleasant word for all and an attractively modest attitude to her remarkable success.
She even credits co-host Phillip Schofield with securing her presenting job on ITV’s This Morning.
“He pushed for me to get the job in the first place. I owe him everything,” says Holly, putting to shame those television creatures who assume all the luck that befalls them is ascribable directly to their towering and incontrovertible talent.
Holly Willoughby STUNS in vibrant red frock
Acknowledging that you’d never have ended up where you are today without a combination of good fortune, great friends, timing and a dollop of USP is the first step towards combining a buoyant career with being a decent person.
While I’m on the subject let me repeat my eternal thanks to Richard and Judy who gave me a contract when I was a jobbing journalist and propelled me towards my own TV show. I thanked them then.
I thank them now.
And I’ll still be thanking them as I gasp my final breath.
I've yet to meet anyone in or out of show business who doesn’t like Holly Willoughby
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Always check the envelope
Lord what a gigantic Oscars Best Picture cock-up! I’ve presented a gaggle of awards over the past quarter of a century.
I’ve even won a few along the way. Rule One is hard, fast and simple: prise the envelope open and check the contents.
Lord what a gigantic Oscars Best Picture cock-up!
It’s vital to be sure some blithering incompetent hasn’t popped their Tesco receipt in for a joke, by mistake or as an act of sabotage.
What’s more, you need to be absolutely certain you can pronounce the winning name without making an embarrassing blunder.
Never assume the organisers are on top of things. Never wing it.
Emma Stone reacts to the major Oscars gaffe
Always, always check what you’re going to read out before the moment itself.
Warren Beatty, Faye Dunaway and the cast and crew whose heads will no doubt roll, I’m afraid it’s too late for you to take note.
Oscars mix up: Ross King on how the blunder occurred
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Mike and Zara are top guests
Markle by name, sparkle by nature, Prince Harry’s girlfriend has been named fourth on a society magazine’s list of most eligible dinner party guests. The Prince himself only comes in at number 22 having been written off as “slowing down(ish)”.
I’ve never had the pleasure of breaking bread with Harry or Meghan but, on Saturday night at Ronan Keating’s Emeralds and Ivy Ball, dedicated to fundraising for the Marie Keating Foundation, established in memory of his mother, I was within a ciabatta’s distance of Zara Phillips and her husband Mike Tindall.
Meghan has been named fourth on a society magazine’s list of most eligible dinner party guests
Zara was resplendent in scarlet.
Mike bid generously in the auction.
Both gave every appearance of having a belting night and kept their table in peals of good-natured laughter.
They were so charming it’s all I can do not to ask them round to Feltz Towers for a spagbol.
The Prince himself only comes in at number 22 having been written off as 'slowing down(ish)'
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Time to start coining it in
The pound coin as we know it becomes extinct on October 15, 2017.
We’re told we have 1.1 billion pound coins languishing round the house and if we don’t look sharp we’ll lose the dosh for ever.
Who are these financial pundits with cash caches secreted dormant about their abodes?
Don’t real people ferret down the arms of the sofa and turn out their kitchen drawers and children’s satchels in search of pound coins in extremis?
And doesn’t extremis occur at least once a week?
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Nigella Lawson stars in Typhoo tea advert
If anybody deserves to find lasting love it's Nigella
Nigella Lawson has been spotted stepping out with Ronan
Bennett, the author wrongly imprisoned for the IRA murder of a policeman in 1975.
Nigella watchers are desperate for their rendezvous to be a hot date.
If anybody deserves to find lasting love it's Nigella
Her fans are agreed that, as her first marriage to journalist John Diamond ended tragically in widowhood and her second union with Charles Saatchi in divorce, the domestic goddess is long overdue at least a passionate love affair and at best a third trip up the aisle.
Those close to her, though, are not convinced romance is truly in the air.
Firstly, Nigella’s sensible suede boots don’t strike pals as the footwear she’d select for an interlude of
the heart. Secondly, she flirts compulsively with men, women, Mars Bars and mince-pies so a bit of hair flicking proves nothing.
Nevertheless, after losing her husband, her mother and her sister to cancer and enduring a hideous divorce, wouldn’t it be wonderful if Nigella did find a gentle gentleman to put the spring back in her step?
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