Agony Aunt: Sex and Relationship Advice
OUR agony aunt gets to the heart of your sex and relationship problems...
Q. Our elderly neighbour lives on her own, and for the past few years I’ve been keeping a friendly eye on her. My husband is out all day and my children are at school so I have time on my hands, and most afternoons I’ll pop next door for a cup of tea. Although she’s nearly twice my age, this lady is young at heart and we can happily sit gossiping for hours. To be honest, we’re both a bit lonely, and this friendship is one of the best things in our lives. Or it was until recently, when her daughter came back from Australia. From the minute she walked in, this woman made it clear that I’m not welcome in her mother’s house. The next time I called round she answered the door herself and virtually accused me of scheming to get my hands on her mother’s money. I admit this lady has talked about leaving me something in her will, but we’re already comfortably off and I’m not after that. Her daughter has now rented a flat and got herself a job locally, so it looks as though she plans to stick around. Should I continue to visit my friend, driving a wedge between mother and daughter, or should I back off, which I know would upset the old lady, too?
Agony Aunt Jane O’Gorman
A. It’s a shame that this lady’s daughter is so hostile, but it’s understandable, too. Perhaps she feels guilty that she has been out of the country at a time when her mother is old and needy. If so, finding that someone else has stepped into the breach will make her feel even worse. Perhaps she has never had a close relationship with her mother and is envious that you two get on so well. Or perhaps she is the one with her eyes fixed on her mother’s legacy, and she sees you as a threat. It could be any of these factors or – more likely – a combination of all three.
I suggest you invite the daughter to meet you at a neutral venue, perhaps for coffee. Be conciliatory: explain that you can see how this must look, but make it perfectly clear that you’re not interested in her mother’s money because you’re well established in your own right. Then back off a little. After all, now that the daughter is around, it’s only natural that your neighbour is going to be less available. Use the opportunity to broaden your own horizons. You’re obviously very good with older people, so perhaps you could use your patience, understanding and empathy in the wider community. You could find some voluntary work, or even think about training for professional qualifications as a carer. Visit your local library for details of opportunities in your area. After a little while, invite your neighbour round to your house, and continue the friendship there. This lady is sure to understand what’s been going on, and she will probably be grateful to you for handling the situation tactfully. And once she realises she has misjudged you, her daughter may even welcome a little extra help as her mother’s needs increase.
Contact Jane at S Magazine, Ground Floor, Northern & Shell Building, 10 Lower Thames Street, London, EC3R 6EN or email jane.ogorman@express.co.uk. Jane regrets that she cannot reply personally to your letters.
KATE MILLER C/O THE CENTRAL ILLUSTRATION AGENCY WWW.CENTRALILLUSTRATION.COM